


Spiral

by AlexOblivion



Category: Rogue One: A Star Wars Story (2016)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Background Bodhi/Luke, Could be in canon, F/M, Hotel Sex, Hurt/Comfort, I really don't know where this came from, Lots of Angst, Mentions of past break-up, Miscarriage, Post-Break Up, Rebelcaptain - Freeform, Reunion, Romance, background Han/Leia, could be au, even the sex is angsty, jyn/cassian, your pick
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-08
Updated: 2018-06-08
Packaged: 2019-05-19 16:07:35
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,108
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14877020
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AlexOblivion/pseuds/AlexOblivion
Summary: There was a pull to him like gravity. She watched him spiral through the crowd, his smile bright and firmly pinned to his lips, his eyes crinkling around the edges. He was gorgeous. It was unfair. He was aging in that way beautiful men did, where they just got better with time.“Jyn -”She cut him off. “Hi Cassian, sorry, I just have to-”“Dance with me?” He cut in, and her head came up, eyes blinking wide.





	Spiral

**Author's Note:**

> I honestly don't know what came over me. I was listening to Flora Cash and suddenly, blargh 3100 words of angsty reunion sexy times had sprawled themselves across my blank Google Doc. If you're in the mood for vague descriptions of scenery and even vaguer descriptions of a fictional timeline which I don't attempt to explain at all, you're in the right place. 
> 
> Enjoy!  
> \- AO

There was a pull to him like gravity. She watched him spiral through the crowd, his smile bright and firmly pinned to his lips, his eyes crinkling around the edges. He was good enough at pretending that he never forgot to push his false joy into his eyes. She, on the other hand, had never mastered that skill and so she kept to the edge of the singles table that she had been relegated to, watching him maneuver through the happily drunk wedding guests just like he maneuvered politicians and dignitaries into giving him what he wanted. 

He was gorgeous. It was unfair. He was aging in that way beautiful men did, where they just got better with time. The crow’s feet radiating out from his eyes were longer now, trailing out to his temples in what she privately thought of as “the hot wrinkles.” Women didn’t get hot wrinkles, and she brushed her fingers self consciously over the space between her eyebrows where she could feel frown lines forming. 

“Jyn!” 

She closed her eyes, willing her hapless brother away. 

“Hey!” No such luck. Jyn opened her eyes and eked out a little smile for Bodhi, who looked half-cut already. He was towing Luke with one hand and a sloshing glass of wine with the other, which explained the heavy-lidded eyes and loose grin. 

“Are you wallowing?” He asked, cutting as usual to the heart of things as he plonked himself into the seat beside her. He and Luke, obviously, had not been sat at the singles table. Neither had Cassian. Not that she had noticed. 

“No,” she said defensively. 

Bodhi rolled his eyes. “Of course you’re not. You’re just sitting in a dark corner all alone staring at your ex-fiance like you want to either rip that excellently tailored suit off or find somewhere to bury his body. But you’re not wallowing.” 

“Exactly,” she answered, crossing her arms under her breasts and allowing a slightly more genuine smile to leak out the corners of her lips. 

The weight of her gaze finally bowed Cassian’s shoulders and he glanced over at her, catching her eyes. His smile fell off for a second before he caught it, and in that moment he stared at her, solemn. She couldn’t tell what was in his eyes. Someone bumped his arm, and he hurried to replace the smile as he turned to chat with them. 

Jyn sighed, and Bodhi wrapped an arm around her shoulders. He tugged her towards him and planted a kiss on her forehead. 

“Oh Stardust,” he murmured, “I wish you wouldn’t insist on punishing yourself.” 

She shook him off and let her cheeks pull her lips into a thin line. “I’m going to go say hi to Leia,” she said. She dodged away before Bodhi could pin her down with any other eerily accurate comments. 

Jyn did wind her way across the floor to where Leia was surrounded by friends congratulating her and Han, and she did loop her friend into a hug and whisper how beautiful she looked. She had never seen Leia beaming the way she was tonight, and even Han looked calm and happy. Jyn couldn’t help but share in some of their joy, and she punched Han in the shoulder to take the edge off. 

The dancing started shortly after with the traditional first dance, which Leia did gracefully and Han did with obvious and precise counting of his steps. They got through it though, and Jyn clapped along with everyone else when he dipped his new wife and kissed her again. After that the floor opened up and it was safe for Jyn to retreat back to her lonely table. She didn’t like dancing; it always made her feel like a baboon had taken over her limbs and she was surely just flailing, but she let both Bodhi and Luke talk her into silly, dramatic gesturing along to a fast song with them, and then let Chirrut convince her to lead him through a quick swing dance. He danced better than she did for all his lack of eyesight, and of course when she asked where he’d learned it he shrugged and said he just trusted in the Force. 

She was honestly, honestly starting to enjoy herself when the upbeat music slowed and a quiet song fed through the hall. Jyn knew this song, the slow snare drum and the soft strumming. She turned to head back to her table as people paired up around her, but her memories of this song and a bright room with big windows and the smile he saved only for her were piled up so high around her that she didn’t see Cassian until she bumped right into him. 

“Oh, sorry,” he mumbled, his hands coming up to steady her elbows. She blushed furiously and ducked her head to hide it, trying to think of some way she could get away with him without seeming like a complete asshole. 

“Jyn -” 

She cut him off. “Hi Cassian, sorry, I just have to-” 

“Dance with me?” He cut in, and her head came up, eyes blinking wide. 

He took a breath, and she catalogued the changes in his face in split seconds. His eyes were tired, his cheeks a little thinner, the stubble along his chin speckled with just a few grey hairs. 

“Dance with me, Jyn.” 

She bit her lip, her brain reminding her of all the ways that this was not a good idea, but she nodded anyways and let him tuck one of her hands into his. Her other hand found his shoulder; she tried not to shiver at the feeling of his fingers on her waist. They rocked slowly to the beat of the soft song and she tried to find anything else to look at other than him. 

She was close enough to him that when he took a deep breath, she could feel it and she knew what was coming. 

“I’m sorry.” 

Or it was possible that she hadn’t known what was coming. She stopped moving, her eyes riveted to his. He held her gaze. 

“I just wanted you to know that,” he said, tugging her hand gently until she started moving with him again. They inched closer together until it was only natural for Jyn to put her head down on his shoulder, her nose tucked into the crook of his skin. He smelled exactly like she remembered, and it washed Jyn in something too close to comfort. 

“You have nothing to apologize for,” she murmured, but she was so close to his skin that she knew he heard her. 

When the music transitioned into another quick number, Jyn and Cassian stood on the edge of the dance floor, not quite ready to be done. Jyn’s hands were still caught between Cassian’s fingers, and she hadn’t thought about pulling them away in at least a minute. His grip, firm and solid and warm, hadn’t let up either, and Jyn just stared at him. He looked like he wanted to say something else, and she could feel all the things she hadn’t said to him bubbling up from her throat to her traitorous mouth. 

Someone bumped her from behind, and the moment broke. Jyn tucked her hands behind her back and bit her lip to pin her mouth shut. He tried to speak but she was already running. 

There was a balcony just off one side of the hall and Jyn headed there, tucking herself into the darkest corner as far out of sight of the main room as possible. She put her elbows down on the stone balustrade and breathed in the cool night air, her eyes stinging. She fought off the bits of memory that assaulted her: his warm brown eyes in the morning sunlight, staring at her with such contentment her heart almost broke; their fingers twined together at dinner, when they were out walking, when one of them reached for the other, really anytime they could; his breath ghosting over her face before he kissed her like she was the answer to all his problems. The morning she had found out - 

“Jyn.” Her name slipped from his lips and her head came up. Of course he had followed her out here. 

“Cassian I can’t do this right now,” she gasped. She closed her eyes and tried to will the tears forming in the corners away. There was quiet for a moment, but she knew he was still standing in front of her. She could feel him, like her body was always trying to get to his. It had always been that way, from the moment they met they had gravitated towards each other, closer and closer until they couldn’t get any more together. 

“I’ve never been able to take my eyes off of you,” he murmured, and that brought her gaze back to his with a wet sound somewhere between a snort and a gasp. 

“Well you should have,” she replied. He was leaning on the balustrade, staring out into the dark of the garden. She took the moment to appreciate him, his lean body angled almost casually against the rail, his dark curls pushed back from his forehead. Force he was beautiful. He tilted his head at her and she caught the corner of his tilted up smile, the one he gave when he was trying to remind himself not to go blank and cold. 

“Why? I knew from the second I saw you there wasn’t going to be anyone else,” he said it casually, like it he was stating the weather. 

The tears that had been threatening her eyes spilled over, in two long trails down her cheeks. She swiped them away. 

“How long’s it been?” He asked. He still hadn’t looked at her, and she knew him well enough to know he was doing it deliberately to give her a bit of space. 

“Five years,” she said. She could tell him exactly how many days if he cared to ask. 

“Five years… and the second I see you again it’s like it’s been no time at all.” 

She bit down a wet whimper. She longed to reach out to him, tangle her fingers through his hair. She knew how it would feel, sliding like silk against her skin. 

“I miss you,” he murmured, and at that Jyn did whimper. The sound pulled his stare away from the night sky and he finally looked at her, sending a little frisson of… something down her spine. This was so un-Cassian like, she thought, being vulnerable and saying things like this to her after everything she’d done. 

“I ran away though,” she said, wondering absently if it would feel better if he were raging at her, telling her all the things she had told herself so many times. 

“I know, and I still wonder why.” He said it like he knew she wasn’t going to tell him, and oh did she want to. 

“We were happy there for a while, weren’t we?” He asked. 

At that she did reach out to him before she could stop herself. Seeing him upset or in pain was the worst thing that could happen to Jyn, and knowing she had caused that pain just reminded her how much she didn’t deserve him. She ran her fingertips down his jaw anyways, even knowing that touching him would make infinitely harder to leave him again. 

“We were. I was,” she assured him. He leaned into her touch just so slightly, his eyes flickering shut and open again. She bit her lip again but the words eked out anyways. “I miss you too.” 

His lips met hers in a rush, and before she could process what was happening he had turned her, her lower back against the balustrade, and his body was pressed up against her. She could feel him from knee to shoulder, and his fingers where they framed her face felt like they were burning her skin. But she didn’t push him away, didn’t murmur for him to stop or tell him this was a mistake. No, the second his mouth met hers she remembered in a rush just how right this felt, and instead she clutched him to her like she was afraid he was going to turn to vapor in her arms. 

He felt her hands clench on his shoulders and he deepened their kiss, more confident now that she wasn’t pushing him away. Cassian’s fingers ran down her sides, brushing over her hip in her thin silvery dress. She shivered under him, and his mouth went to that spot under her ear that he knew made her melt. 

She moved before she could think about it, and she pushed the doubts away with little shakes of her head and the heat of his fingers under hers. She wound her fingers through Cassian’s and tugged him after her, back into the hall and around the edge of the crowd to the corridor. She had a room in the hotel for the wedding, and she led them there, her fingers clamped around his the whole time. He didn’t say anything, probably afraid to break the spell that had come over her and risk her changing her mind. 

Jyn pinned him against the wall as soon as the door was closed. She kissed him again, hard and fast. She needed him with a desperation she hadn’t felt since that last morning, when she had packed a backpack and walked out of their sunny home. His fingers tangled in the hair at the base of her neck and his other hand gripped her hip, pulling her in so her thighs touched his. He shifted slightly and then his knee was between her legs, pushing up on her center so perfectly that she let out a groan into his lips. 

Cassian spun them and lifted just slightly, so all of Jyn’s weight was resting on his angled knee and every time she shifted her core met that delicious friction. 

“Yes?” He asked. She nodded frantically, her fingers working the buttons on his shirt. 

“Jyn, say it,” he said. She let her hands rest for a moment and they stared at each other, panting. His pupils were blown wide and she was sure hers were the same. His hair looked even better rumpled from her hands and his lips were red from her kisses. He looked perfect. 

“Yes, Cassian, please,” she groaned, and he dove on her. There were no more words between them, just sighs and moans and the slip of fingers over skin. They did eventually relocate to her bed, leaving a trail of clothes on the floor behind them, and then he was over top of her, his mouth on her nipple and her back arching up into him. When he slid into her they still again, and only picked up when Cassian twined his fingers with hers beside her head and kissed her. 

It wasn’t drawn out, it wasn’t hurried or frenetic like some of their love-making had been before when one or the other of them would come home from a particularly dangerous day. It wasn’t angry, like their make-up sex had been, or slow like their lazy mornings were. It was calm and gentle in a way Jyn hadn’t experienced before, and when they came they came one after the other with his head tucked into the crook of her neck. Cassian lifted his head as the last tremors flowed through Jyn’s skin, and ran his thumbs under her eyes. They came away moist, and she tried to turn her face away from him. He kissed her soft and gentle, then gathered her into his arms and rolled them into the same position they had lain in a thousand times before. 

His hand ran paths up and down her arm, from shoulder to elbow and back up again, over and over until the motion lulled her eyes closed. She could hear his heart beat with her ear as it was against his chest, and she couldn’t stop herself from drawing little circles on his chest. After a few peaceful moments together, all those feelings she had had five years to tamp down came bubbling back up again. 

“I was pregnant,” she said. 

His hand stilled. 

She forged on, knowing if she stopped now she would never get the courage to start again. “I found out just before you left that last time, you remember? You were gone for three weeks, and the day before you came back, I miscarried.” 

If she hadn’t had her head against him she wouldn’t have known how fast his heart was pounding, how that last word brought his breath sucking in sharp. She sat up and wrapped her arms around her knees, determined not to look at him. She didn’t bother trying to stop the tears dripping from her eyes. 

“I just… I couldn't face you with that. I felt like I failed you, and I know how much you wanted a baby and I couldn’t… So I ran. That’s why I ran.” 

She risked a glance. He looked dazed, his mouth slightly agape and his gaze skittering over her face, but at least he hadn’t brought down his hard spy’s face, all cold and distant the way he usually did when he was trying not to feel something. 

“I’m so sorry,” she whispered, and that snapped whatever holding pattern he’d been stuck in. He scrambled to his knees and wrapped his arms around her, his scruffy cheek against hers. He kissed her jaw, her earlobe; he tangled his fingers in her hair. 

“Oh Jyn,” he murmured into her hair, “Oh my Stardust. I’m so sorry. I love you. I love you, I love you.” Jyn let her tight muscles loosen and she gripped him just as tightly as he was holding her. They stayed like that for long moments, him stroking over her skin and whispering his love to her, and her crying on his shoulder, until the sobs that had built up for five years in her were cried out and she was quiet. 

“Stay?” She asked, and he nodded against her cheek. He rearranged him so they were lying down and pulled the sheets up over them, then tugged her back against him so he could wrap himself around her. 

“Always,” he said, “Always.” And something clicked back into place in Jyn’s chest and she felt like she breathed out for the first time in years. She intertwined her fingers with his and pulled him closer, knowing she was done running this time.


End file.
